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In the long awaited return of The Bristol Hum, Tom Mitchell tuns his mind to Ben Rymer, naked Olympics and the Festival of Bad Ideas

My good friend Ben Rymer has long held the belief that he has an idea that will not only keep him in Super Noodles for the rest of his natural life, but also afford him the opportunity to buy his mother a bungalow in Esher, in which she can indulge her twin passions for water colours and strong drink.

It is an idea based entirely upon the proliferation of the breakfast cereal industry throughout the late 1990’s and consists solely of surreal wheat based breakfast staples shaped in such random images as 3 piece suites, Salvador Dali’s clocks, gallows and kelp.

It is called 'Surrereal'. It has as much chance of keeping him in the manner to which he has become accustomed (which is genuinely nothing to write home about) as I have winning Best in Show at this year at Crufts using a variety of road-kill sellotaped together and attached to a retractable lead.

I am however, keen on the up-coming Bristol Festival of Ideas coming to our fair city in May. The term “Festival of ideas” has yet to be qualified but I can only assume that they are, in the main, looking for good ideas.

May I suggest that the world is bulging with good ideas that have done us no favours at all. Nuclear power, the internal combustion engine, the right to bear arms, reality television, Starbucks, Facebook and roomy northern girls with dolphin tattoos all looked like crackers at some point in history.

What we really need is a Festival of Bad Ideas. I will start with the following to get the ball rolling.

1. That the up-coming Olympic Games to be held in the traditional style, by this I mean that all athletes appear naked as they did in Greek times. Not only would this boost the ratings (the women’s shot-put especially) but...well, it would boost the ratings. There are only a few minor health and safety issues to clear up, and there is simply no truth to the rumour that the modern games are held with clothed athletes because a naked runner in the men’s 4x100 relay team once got dragged for 30 yards along the home straight after a mix-up with the baton.

2. Night Stick: The glow in the dark stick for walking your dog at night.

3. Chop Music: Meat in supermarkets that make the noise of the animal it comes from when you shake the packet.

4. Full Morris Men outfits to be worn by all convicted rapists. This idea will also go a long way to solve the burgeoning Morris Men problem in England’s backwaters.

5. A Velcro smile for Burkah wearers. This can also be turned upside-down to reflect mood.

6. The Crapet: A carpet delivered in the exact shade of the excrement of your child or pet. This will save you hundreds of pounds a year in cleaning bills and your houses smell anyway. Your friends and family are just being nice about it, and it is usually only debated on the car journey home.

7. The Talking Stick: A walking stick for the profoundly deaf incorporating a small speaker preset with such helpful lines as: “Excuse me but you are sitting on my coat” and “Don’t mess with my woman like that again or I’ll leave you where I find you.”

8. Silk Cut.

9. Small pets for larger pets.

I am now opening the forum for The Festival of Bad Ideas. It is open to all entrants and the person with the best worst idea wins a free meal with me at “One Beaufort” on the London Road in Bath. Simply comment below and offer up your fruitiest light-bulb moments for my delectation. I only live around the corner. The talk will be dirty but the bed linen (as of time of publication) is clean.

Tom Mitchell is a freelance writer who enjoys a pint, a cigarette and a hat - but not necessarily in that order.

Please note, the opinions expressed above and below are those of the writers, and do not necessarily reflect those of Guide2Bristol. Guide2Bristol accepts no responsibility legal or otherwise for the accuracy or content of member comments.

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