BIG BROTHER WEEK 3

I've always been irritated by the contestants on BB going on and on about so and so having 'a game plan' and 'not being real'. Who in their right minds would go on national TV and not pretend to be a little bit nicer than they actually are? We will leave aside for the moment the plentiful supply of BB contestants who are clearly not in their right minds.

Surely it is something to be applauded - trying to be nicer. If our impulses are wicked but we overcome them in order to treat people with more sensitivity and generosity - that makes us a bit 'better' regardless of the motivation - right? And we have to believe that we are what we do otherwise its back to trying to invent the thought police and (neat little reference alert here) Big Brother.

Well I have thought this for almost a decade of BB, but now it suddenly all makes perfect sense. Because Charlie is a terrible devil man disguising his poisonous fetid motivations behind a cheeky (nauseating) demeanour. I can quite clearly see that not only is he not being real but he's got a bloody game plan too. They're all completely oblivious to his true nature, taken in by his prancing and playful touching of Kris on the man foof.

Marcus is also strangely demonic - I'm dying to tell him that if Wolverine actually did look exactly like Marcus no-one would fancy Wolverine. As unfair as it is a part of me does enjoy his attacks on poor Sree. Watching Sree's reaction to almost anything is hilarious. If someone is nice to him he cocks an ankle and giggles coquettishly. If someone makes him jealous he glowers under his eyelashes (taking care to stop should there be any danger of them looking back over at him). Sree is the product of a whole generation of men who have watched too many Bollywood films with Shah Rukh Khan in.

Then there are the witless Dogface and Kris. Kris seems to be eager to flirt with Charlie rather than Dogface presumably in an attempt to emulate Anthony from BB6. Carly can say pretty much anything and it's fabulous television, I've used the word 'hoachin' four times today already. I haven't seen more entertaining diary room 'banter' since Nicky & Kemal.

The person that I'm worried about is poor Angel - she really seems to be falling apart. No-one understands her, she's trying everything she can think of to try and impress them but they'll never be impressed by her because she's not glamorous or obnoxious. She's thoughtful and vulnerable but these are qualities wasted on your average BB housemate. So she becomes steadily lonelier and weirder. Professing to fancy Noirin for flips sake. I attribute Noirin's allure to looking good and smiling a lot. I'm yet to glimpse anything even likeable about her never-mind lovable.

I'm enjoying this BB more than I thought I would, with the live feed gone it's more like a soap opera edited together from real events than ever.  I will however miss the days of being able to (truthfully or not) win a debate with a sentence starting, 'Well I watched the live feed' and usually ending with 'and he did so have an erection'.