Political Newsbreak

Today’s press release from Labour Governmental headquarters drew shock from commentators and satirists from Auld Reekie to the Big Smoke, touching on critical events from the last decade and a half. Our correspondent, Arthur Stringline extrapolates…

 

Yes, John! Labour drew shocked, gaping intakes of breath from many this morning with a 7AM memo timed to break over the morning online blogs in a fetid wave this Sunday. Reuters correspondent Argew O’Stanoff described it as a deliberate ploy aimed at the Saturday partied-out demographic. Others have simply called it ‘sheer madness’.

 

Labour began by apologising for the state of the nation’s schools, both structurally and operationally. Though drastic improvements in resources and more modern systems of education, particularly of the disadvantaged, disabled and marginalised, have been apparent- Gordon is still finding himself lying awake at night wondering ‘what could have been’ if even more had been done. Admittedly, however, the amount of work spent correcting the previous regime’s lax approach to building maintenance of schools has been vast - at a ratio of roughly nine modern stitches to every one eighties stitch, due in part to rising polyfiller prices.

 

Gordon also spoke at length of the pain he feels at having been forced to divert funds away from the South East in order to develop other parts of the country. Greater Manchester, the North East and thriving urban centres in Wales and Scotland have all borne the brunt of this monetary assault in recent years. As one Manchester woman, who asked to remain nameless, observed, “You can’t go down city any more without ‘avin’ to walk past a load of bleedin’ foreigners comin’ out of some fancy boutique, arms full of bags and that”.

 

Anecdotally speaking, individuals from areas of the nation which seem to have spent much of the 80’s standing in lines, living in squalid apartment blocks and making moving theatrical and televisual productions, such as the North of England, apparently agreed with this Brownite assessment.

 

“We’ve seen an 810% increase in investment, a 207% increase in prosperity and also a bag of chips has only gone up by about a pound in fifteen years”, said Pat, from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, “But I’m here today to tell that Gordon, and that Nick Clegg, and that Alan guy, that it’s just not enough. There are still people dying up here. Though you wouldn‘t know it in London of course. Having said that, I have just had a free triple heart bypass and back-to-work physiotherapy care”. Then she handed me a leaflet about it and told me she was on some NHS user feedback panel.

 

After another LONG week in politics, Brown, in what is fast-becoming known as the ‘Tear-Drenched Pillow Press Release’ went on to apologise unreservedly to His Gloriousness The Pope, for the ill-informed and ill-advised Labour internal memo which was also disclosed earlier today. Though this story only formed a small ripple in the Tsunami of the Tear-Drenched Pillow Revelations, there were nonetheless several hundred injured in Peshawar as masses rushed to burn the British flag, only to realise they’d misheard the radio announcement.

 

Brown, a small cap from his schooldays clutched in his rugby-playing paws, stated clearly that no-one should joke about someone who, like the Pope, spends all day in a city full of other, unmarried, men and often wears a dress and decorates his offices with pictures of virgins. Clearly, may he who does not do these things cast the first stone. Besides, the very concept of associating his Highest Papacy with condoms is highly insensitive as, for all we know, he may well suffer from an acute undiscovered latex allergy.

 

“The idea of using such a relevant, powerful and respected figure to promote the use of something as tawdry as prophylactics is simply bad taste and to be met with a stern word and an explanation of Queensbury rules“, reports correspondent Montague Byron, from the late nineteenth century.

 

A small tear dashed from Brown’s left eye as he went on to apologise for suggesting that the Pope could open a (state funded and administered) abortion clinic, or preside over a (we don’t repress others for being different) homosexual union ceremony.

 

“To even suggest that the Pope take part in rituals which empower women and give freedom to homosexual couples is as ludicrous as asking him to endorse a simple product that could undoubtedly save millions of lives each year in the developing World”, thundered Brown, apologetically, as Mandelson stood as his shoulder and nodded earnestly.

 

The gay quarter of Brighton was pumping with speculation over these statements, and I stopped one openly gay man for a chinwag. When asked if he would invite any Catholic clergy to his civil union, he responded.

 

“I wouldn’t want the Pope anywhere near my wedding. Though I did dress up as a nun for my stag night if that helps?”

 

Conservative leader Alan Cameron described “any attempt by Labour to suggest that there has been this apparent march of progression during their term in office” as nothing short of a thinly-veiled attack against a future Conservative Government (stops, reminded of Thatcher; crosses chest, gazes downwards). Indeed, any precedent created during years of prosperity and economic consolidation is nothing short of dangerous, creating an environment in which a Tory Government, concerned with the issue of the everyday person like you (points at cameraman number 3) can only be seen to fail.

 

Good people of Britain, I ask you. When you begin your day with an urn of hand-picked Assam tea, do you do so hoping for failure? Do you dwell agonisingly on the nature of your neighbour, Mike, top seller at the company for three years running? If you do, then vote Alan this May- for a party that feels the sheer terror of imminent ball-fumbling just like you!

 
Posted by: John Edward Strange on 25 April 2010